if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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