Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
