im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
