My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
