look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
