Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
