can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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