you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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