I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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