About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
