If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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