Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
