i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
