i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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