I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize