i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
