3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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