this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think I sprained my soul last night
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
