I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
