I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
