What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
