I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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