WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
