My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
