when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
