I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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