New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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