I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
