My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
