I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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