I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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