dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
