I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
