My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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