You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
