Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize