I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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