wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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