you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
