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• (631): View more from New York

  Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.

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• (310): View more from California

  she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.

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• (859): View more from Kentucky

  I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever

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• (901): View more from Tennessee

  Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  I think college has really matured you.

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin

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• (954): View more from Florida

  Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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• (425): View more from Washington

  Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.

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• (914): View more from New York

  We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.

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• (239): View more from Florida

  I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.

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• (727): View more from Florida

  On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me

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• (440): View more from Ohio

  You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.

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• (716): View more from New York

  OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING

  (319): View more from Iowa

  YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT

  (716): View more from New York

  I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT

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• (605): View more from South Dakota

  he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...

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• (607): View more from New York

  I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”

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