why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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