i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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