When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize