Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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