Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
