it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
40s are totally the cure
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
