It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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