fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
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