So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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