I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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