Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just found puke in my bra..
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
