drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
