Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My vagina is officially offended.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
