whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
