I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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