I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
