My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
