Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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