Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
