i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize