I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
