Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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