i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You are a genius and a whore.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
