I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
