look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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