Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
