So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
