My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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