I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
