Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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