Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
