hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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