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Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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