In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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